Pregnancy Grief & Loss
15-25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage.
Grief is a normal reaction to loss. There is no one right way to grieve and everyone reacts differently to loss.
However, pregnancy loss can feel particularly lonely for individuals and trigger immense grief. In fact, it is considered a disenfranchised loss, in that society does not recognize the loss the same way other losses are recognized and there is a lack of widely accessible or known rituals to honour the loss.
Many people have heard of “1 in 4” (1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage); however, there is still much stigma and silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. Pregnancy loss includes a miscarriage (pregnancy less than 20 weeks), a still birth (pregnancy more than 20 weeks), a recurrent pregnancy loss, a neonatal death or a termination (early or late).
Other forms of perinatal loss include grieving the vision you had for your family, the pregnancy or birth experience you had imagined, or celebrating milestones in a particular way.
The pandemic has greatly changed people’s experience of their journey to parenthood. Examples are needing to attend perinatal check-up/ ultrasound/ fertility appointments alone, not being allowed visitors (sometimes even partners) in the hospital, not being able to have a baby shower or first birthday party, or not being able to rely on one’s natural support system.
How therapy can help.
Therapy can help normalize and validate what you’re feeling. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to do so in whichever way you’re grieving right now. There is no shame in grieving. You will learn information about the grief process, which will help heal anxiety caused by loss. You will also learn tangible tools for healing.
“We remember. The babies born sleeping. Those you carried but never held
. Those you held but could not take home. Those who came home, but could not stay.”
— Unknown
What does grief look like?
Grief looks different for everyone.
Triggers.
Different feelings will come up at different times during your grief process. Anniversary dates can be a source of resurfacing emotions and physical sensations, e.g. due date, baby’s first birthday, anniversary of death, day you found out that something was not going well in your pregnancy, etc. Other triggers can be about watching other people go through their own pregnancy or postpartum journeys, such as watching pregnancy announcements or receiving baby shower invites.
Emotions.
Grief can feel overwhelming and all consuming. You may be crying a lot, feeling numb or in shock, or seeming okay on the outside, but carrying a great amount of pain on the inside.
You may be feeling sad, depressed, angry, guilty, or blaming yourself for what happened. You may find that your feelings decrease in intensity over time.
Other changes.
You may be finding yourself experiencing poor concentration and sleep and diet changes. You and your partner may seem more distant from each other, especially if you are each grieving in different ways.